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#47 Take a Blind Leap

Things have not been working out very well for me in New York. I have tried and tried to get my things together, but it is just not happening for me. I have fulfilled my responsibilities of school, taking care of family, and taking care of friends. Now it is time to work on myself.

Everyone else has little by little been getting their things together. Everything changing around me. Moving forward. Moving on. Me? I stay the same. I stay in place. Yes I have had the privileged to experience things others can only dream of, but if I am being completely honest my adventures … how can they support me? They fill an empty void in me … temporarily. When I return home, the problems remain and I have to pick up where I left off.

I always tell my friends “Get your stuff together because your parent wont be around forever!” I have in my own way helped them do that. Yet I am still at home mooching off my mother and watching her struggle to support us because it is just that difficult to find employment in the city. I’m tired of not being able to help myself or her. As I also say, “You cannot help anyone until you are cable of helping yourself.” How am I supposed to take care of her in her old age, and myself when she moves on, if I have yet to get everything together.

I am 27 years old. I have fun, but I am watching my life go by quickly without having anything for myself. Is it really that bad to want something of my own? Everyone else has gone ahead and done it for themselves, but the moment I mentioned my big decision to move on everyone has blown up into major freak out mode. Do they love me that much? Or are they selfish?

Regardless of the answer all my life I have done nothing but think of others. It is time to move on and although many people would say “That’s nonsense, no one grows up in Florida” that is exactly where I am going to try to grow. My ticket is purchased, my bags are packed, I embark on this journey and new part of my life tomorrow morning. Its a big leap, I cannot tell yet if its the best or not, but its all I have got. A chance I have to take.

I have lost friends over this, people are angry with me, others sad. Its hard for me to deal with the vast set of emotions you have all poured over me so I head out with a shield blocking you out. You might think I’ve turned into a snobby bitch but I cannot let anyone keep getting in my way. If you truly really love me, let me do this, and be happy not sad or angry. I am still here for you. To listen, to help, but for once in my life … your just coming in second to myself.

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One thought on “#47 Take a Blind Leap

  1. Thank you for that. I know you are both happy and sad. And I’m sorry to be the cause of that sadness in a way … but you are basically one of the only ones that have expressed happiness. Everyone is being so negative about it all that its becoming pretty hard to handle.

    Like

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